I thought I might write something at the end of the year. The year seems special, just as every year seems, like there is no end to the next, only a beginning. There is sentimentality imbued on the last sunset, the last hair wash, the last pledge, last pinch of hunger.
I was reminded this morning of my favourite word. I’ll share it with you in context. From Moby Dick:
“What do you see? – Posted like silent sentinels all around the town, stand thousands upon thousands of mortal men fixed in ocean reveries. Some leaning against the spiles; some seated upon pier-heads; some looking over …”
When Ishmael says, “What does that indignity amount to, weighed, I mean, in the scales of the New Testament?” I wonder if they used to read the New Testament as a story or as a religious text. If the latter, I wonder what the difference is.
I’m watching Personal Problems (1980) by Ishmael Reed and Bill Gunn. In it, a nurse named Johnnie Mae Brown (Vertamae Smart-Grosvenor) recites poetry she has written in her spare time:

… They say that ebony rumbas, sepia sambas,
The dance of the colors is so splendid that even
the lemon-colored sun is dazzled, laid-back, waits her turn …
So if you are a true believer – that is, if the faith runs river deep
in your heart – it’s possible in the eyelids of one of these mornings
that you too will witness this exotic vision, and the wind,
heady with the perfume of the colors will tickle you.
Do not laugh – weep – for, from dawn to dusk, anything can happen.
I shouldn’t be, but I’m touched by the thought of poetry being written in between or after work, when one is tired. Happy poetry being written in the midst of suffering – not one’s own. It shouldn’t be an all-consuming manner of writing, poetry. It seems to me one of distraction, of longing and desire. A person cannot be a poet and nothing else.
I think of Bessie Head, whose book, When Rain Clouds Gather, also plays on my mind. In “Stars and Saints,” by Lucia Berlin, I came to know a version of myself otherwise hidden from sight.
“He avoided me completely after that morning, and it wasn’t my imagination. There was no way I could explain that it had all happened so fast, that I wasn’t smiling away at the cats chewing the birds. It was that my happiness about the sweet peas and the finches hadn’t had time to fade.”
It wasn’t my imagination. In time we realize it’s easier to accept that it isn’t our imagination but it’s also not true. It’s harder to accept that there is no truth – what fun is there in that realization?

It’s noon. I take my medicine. I eat lunch. I pour myself some water.
In “Selections from Journal, 1996,” Lydia Davis writes: “Balance of pursuing desires and abandoning desires. I want all this before I die – and yet I also think we come from nothing and we go into nothing, and earth is only a small thing in the universe – and if you keep this in mind, your desires seem less important.”
It feels as though I’ve been walking through a meadow for a long time. I had been on a path, some sort of discernible path in the field, and it led me somewhere unfamiliar. Mostly, that’s okay.
I think I’ll take up running again next year. I searched for the book, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, by Haruki Murakami in the public library catalogue, but I could only find an audiobook. I remember it being about how he started to write (and run), ran a marathon in Greece in the summer heat, and got through midlife. ‘Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.’ Something aphoristic like that. And who can know the truth of aphorism?
In David Lynch’s book, Catching the Big Fish, seemingly toward the end more a missive on transcendental meditation than anything else, there is a chapter called “The Box and the Key,” in which the only words that follow are: I don’t have a clue what those are.” The title of the chapter is in reference to Mulholland Dr, Lynch’s great film. A reminder that we often don’t know what we’re doing, which I think he meant to be somewhat comforting. (But maybe he didn’t intend that at all.)
I open my mail. The paper is weighty and smells pungent and inky. I bought clothes the day before and they arrived. I’ll return two of the pieces, one of which is a light khaki colour instead of a spring green, the other of which is too small.
It’s been overcast for a few days, which feel like months. It could have been months. Even though I don’t love the sun, I wish for sunnier days.

